6 MONTHS LATER

It's been exactly six months to the day that we got Thane back from his last deployment to Afghanistan! And boy, has the time flown. Isn't it funny how quickly it passes once it's all over? It's been an eventful six months, to say the least. Between getting the love of our lives back, a new baby on the way, adding a puppy to the mix, and another Army adventure right around the corner {more details to come once it's official}, we have so much to be thankful for. Praise God, from whom all blessings flow!

DEPLOYMENT UPS & DOWNS

Oh the relief of having another deployment behind us!

Now that it's been a few months since Thane got back home, I think life has finally hit "normal" again. So I'm taking the time to reflect on the ups and downs of the deployment and what God so graciously led us through. Some wonderful things, some difficult things, but all things that I know He had a purpose in, even if it's hard to understand.

Ups

1) The flexibility to travel! Long road trips with two little boys aren't exactly easy, but we had the great opportunity to spend a couple of extended chunks of time with our family down south. After getting used to missing out on a lot of family events, we got to appreciate birthday parties and holiday bashes and lots of special meals together.

2) The constant companionship and distraction of two little boys. As hard as it was to be on mommy duty 24/7, they helped me keep my mind off missing Thane as much as possible.

3) A couple of new personal goals that I've actually been able to stick with. Like deciding to update my wardrobe and make some changes to my buying habits. I wrote about it in detail back in this post, and I'm happy to say that I've stuck to my goal of resisting lots of impulse purchasing and instead am investing in higher quality pieces that will last.

4) Once in a lifetime opportunities that would have never come along otherwise, like getting my dear friend Sam as a roomie for a few months! She helped us make it through Watertown's worst winter in decades and her companionship was truly my "river in a desert" {Isaiah 43:19}. It was a brief amount of time that we had together, but I'll cherish her friendship for life! One of my favorite memories together has to be our shared enthusiasm for granola and the homemade recipe she pioneered.

5) Time do some much needed home renovations that Thane would have talked me out of had he been around, like the removal of really ugly wallpaper. {Another thanks to Sam for her help!}

6) Most important of all, extra time to devote to my relationship with Christ in the Word and prayer, plus some ladies bible study groups and a role in the start-up of a military ministry at our church.

Downs

1) The one parent to two children ratio. Especially only four months after becoming a mom of two and while and still in the adjustment phase. We didn't have kids for our first deployment, and let me just say that a deployment with kids is no vacation.

2) A period of time in the beginning where I shared a bedroom with Silas. I know there are so many parents that this works great for, but it just doesn't for me! I hear every little peep he makes even when he's down the hall in his own room. So waking up multiple times to nurse him plus hearing his every move all night meant very little sleep. And added to the rest of the normal stress that comes with deployments, it got to a point where I could barely sleep even when things were quiet. It was like my brain just couldn't turn off, regardless of how exhausted I was. We got our own separate rooms back once we made our way back north and that made a tremendous difference.

3) Massive amounts of snow. As beautiful as it is and as much as I love seeing it come down, it makes life somewhat precarious when there are two small boys who can't get outside to play. This plus a serious lack of indoor playgrounds in Watertown meant we pretty much lived at the McDonalds Playplace on days we could get out.

4) Sicknesses. There was one point where the three of us we were tag-teaming a bad cold for about five weeks straight. That meant no playdates, no church, and basically just super long, slow, mind-numbing days inside. If I didn't have Sam for adult interaction for a couple hours in the evening, I would have lost my mind. {Once again, thank you Sam!}

5) An ER trip with both boys in the middle of the night by myself. Like the time we went out of town for a military spouse retreat and had to rush Silas down a mountain to the closest ER {having no clue where it was} at 1am, and then after finding it {praise God} sit there until 9am, only to have my phone and GPS die on the way back to the lodge in a town I was totally unfamiliar with. Then, once we made it back to the lodge, figuring out how to carry two sleeping boys into a hotel {with no stroller, since my stroller frame had recently been stolen from a McDonalds parking lot}. Plus doing all of it without a coat in the middle of February in Upstate New York {the least of my problems, but funny nonetheless.} Oh- last thing, I promise- the sinking feeling of realizing we just missed the complimentary breakfast buffet that I'd been looking forward to all night during the 9 hour wait in the ER. Yay! But despite the craziness of it I'm so so thankful that Silas got what he needed to feel better. He had a sudden onset off croup as well as a slight case of pneumonia, but it was only a 24 hour case.

6) No R&R {two week visit} for nine month deployments. When you're about to start the deployment, nine months seems infinitely better than a year {which was the length of our first one}. And so I'm thankful for the optimism we had going into it! But let me tell you- and I'm sure a lot of you Army wives understand this all too well- a nine month stretch with nothing to break it up is a long time {and in our case, closer to nine and a half months}. I'm not saying I'd prefer another year long deployment just for the sake of an R&R, but just that both ways are flat out hard.
7) Thane's Welcome Home ceremony was delayed seven times in the last five days before he got home. I wish I could say I had perfect temperance through all of it- and believe me, I tried. But at the very end, it's almost impossible to take it well when you're told you have to wait one more day, six different times, and then to be wondering through Walmart wondering how to fill another day of waiting when I {quite by accident} got the update that the day had changed yet again and he was actually getting home in about six hours. And once all was said and done, it only ended up being a two day delay! But the constant changes had me in a state of emotional whiplash and by the time he really got home I was pretty much numb. 

Alright. I think I'll leave it at that! I have to be honest and admit that this was- at times- an overwhelmingly difficult deployment. And to really do justice to the topic, it encompassed so much more than just the start to finish date. There was the day we got the news that Thane was going, followed by a few months of sporadic training events that gave us a taste of what was to come. Not to mention the very long days at work, coupled with the anticipation and stress of the impending send-off. The week leading up to the goodbye was a heavy, sobering fog. Then, it began. At first, it was a bundle of so many emotions; sadness, relief, heaviness over the daunting task that just began, yet a little bit of comfort in knowing that at least it was started and could begin to tick down. Then, we muscled through it. And now that we have young kids, we really muscled through it. And so did Thane, on his end. And finally, finally, by the grace of God, it ended. What extreme relief and joy and thankfulness to be together again! But truly getting back to normal took some time...after being used to making all of the decisions, it required a lot humility and patience and to hand the reigns back over. Not that a ton needed to change, but you moms know how many dynamics are involved in running a household and a family! So it can be complicated to re-work the system, even when you're married to the best husband and father you could ask for. I probably don't brag on him enough, but Thane is a fantastic, fantastic man. He loves God and takes such good care of us in every single regard. The boys and I are truly, truly blessed!

But in all of the ups and downs, in the blessings and the challenges, my battle verse was "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." {Proverbs 3:5} As much as I didn't like the personal process of sanctification that He led me through during parts of the deployment, He absolutely has to test me in order to grow me. He has to allow me to learn things the hard way. I think it's safe to say that {for the most part} spiritual maturity rarely develops in times of ease or total contentment. It's when I'm forced to rely on Him and His promises every single day, even if it means clinging to a bible verse that promises victory in the midst of my own continuous failings. This past year He taught me more clearly than ever that no amount of my own efforts- as sincere as they may be- can produce one ounce of change in me. I may be able to go to church and ladies bible study every week, memorize scripture and repeat it over and over to myself, and then pray, pray, and pray some more. But none of these things- as essential as they are- can deliver me from certain struggles. It is truly God and God alone who is able to grant freedom from sin and shortcomings and trials. {All the while keeping in mind that my personal trials are true examples of first world problems compared to what horrors so many of our Christian brothers and sisters around the world live with every day.}

So, as glad as I am that this deployment is over, I have a sobering thankfulness for the spiritual maturity and fruit that He no doubt worked to bear in me. And on top of a good lesson in trust and perseverance, He taught me to get better at reaching out to the families that are still waiting on their spouses to come home again. Praise God for the fellowship and support that the Army community is able to give each other. I've been the recipient of much of it and now I'm striving to give it out as well. If we've learned how to lighten each other's loads even just a tiny bit, it's been worth the struggle.

My thoughts, prayers, and utmost appreciation goes out to all of our families in the Armed Forces who are proud to support their soldiers in and through the tough times!

DEPLOYMENT | OPERATION KID COMFORT QUILTS

We're sending out a big THANK YOU to the wonderful ladies who made custom photo-quilts for Asher and Silas! These women are a part of the Dorcas Sewing Ministry at New Hope Baptist Church, and they craft comforting quilts for children with a deployed parent. And they, along with the official Operation Kid Comfort program that's facilitated through the YMCA, are eager to make more!

Volunteers at the Armed Services YMCA create custom-made photo transfer quilts and pillows. Each child receives a quilt or pillow; children 7 and under receive a quilt, 8 and older receive a pillow. Operation Kid Comfort quilts and pillows are for the children of our deployed active duty U.S. military service men and women. The quilts and pillows are personally handcrafted to help children cope with the emotional stress during a parent’s deployment. {Get the rest of the info here.}

So if you currently have a deployed spouse and little ones at home who would love to have their own custom quilts with photos of Daddy or Mommy, get in touch with the YMCA and find out about how you can have it done. 

I know we will cherish these quilts for years to come, and are so thankful for the women of the Dorcas Sewing Ministry who devote such time and talent to bless us while we wait for Daddy's return! They are a glowing example of Christ-like love as they follow the pattern of the original Dorcas, and we so appreciate their wonderful ministry to us.

"...there was a certain disciple named Tabitha, which is translated Dorcas. This woman was full of good works and charitable deeds which she did." {Acts 9:36}

ABIDE | BE STILL {PSALM 46:10a}

Fall has faded into winter, and the holidays have come and gone. Here comes the long, slow stretch that we call January, February, and March. And here comes the question that I can never shake for long.

What do I do now?

It's been close to three months since Thane deployed in October. So much has happened since then. We've moved, set up a new house, spent countless hours enjoying family, and even made a new church family. I'm so relieved to say that we've passed that rough adjustment phase, that we've weathered what {I hope} was the hardest part.

But now, in the quiet moments, I find myself wondering what's next. Wondering if we should we be doing something more than just the normal everyday stuff. Wondering how in the world do I pass the next six and half months until Thane comes home?

I'm always tempted to be doing, doing, doing. As if staying busy will grant me a more fulfilling life and bring Thane home faster. And in some ways, it might...but thanks to the wonderful ladies over at She Reads Truth, I'm reminded that it's not always about what I can do... but that "sometimes waiting is the season. Sometimes the endurance is the lesson. Sometimes simply getting through it is the most sanctifying, holy thing you can do."  

And then I'm reminded to "be still" {Psalm 46:10a}. To lay down the idol of "doing" and remember that God is in charge. That His plan supersedes my own. That His purposes will prevail. And that I am "His workmanship" {Ephesians 2:10}.

So, I'm practicing this art of being still. Of seeking Him in the quiet moments. Of embracing simplicity. Of not "needing" to have a perfectly clean house, cook fancy meals, volunteer at church, or even take a shower every day. Of deliberately choosing to enjoy days filled with nothing but the humble, sweet tasks of mothering my boys. Of loving my husband from afar, the best that I can. Of practicing contentment right where I am.

>>>   <<<

The Photos
1. Our first letter to Thane, dated October 15th, 2013.
2. The mums growing in our front yard over the fall months.
3. A little late night sewing project...made some colorful bird patterned curtains out of a shower curtain for the farm house.
4. First freeze.
5. New boots!
6. Mini tree.
7. Window markers.
8. I can't even remember the last time I made my bed.

ADJUSTING

It's been six and half weeks since Thane deployed. I'd like to say that time is passing quickly- the fervent prayer of every military wife at one time or another!- but, while it's not passing as quickly as I'd like, it is passing.

We have so much to be thankful for. Like living in a quaint little farmhouse that's a stone's throw from family and getting to video-chat with Thane almost every day. I'm counting the months and weeks and days until he comes home, but at the same time I'm counting our blessings here. There's no such thing as a good deployment, but all things considered, we do have it good!

It hasn't been easy though. The day after Thane left, I packed the boys and I up made the day-long car trip to Virginia. Then it was a blur of setting up the new house, countless errands to the store, a slew of doctors appointments, getting involved in a new church, plus the things that Thane wold normally tend to like banking, mail-forwarding issues, car maintenance, etc. Not to mention trying to put some fresh paint on the walls of the new house, staying up late to talk to Thane, and, of course, being the primary caregiver to two boys under the age of three. Talk about a recipe for exhaustion.

Things finally started to slow down right around the one-month mark. I got past the point of feeling purely overwhelmed and started catching up on sleep. Meanwhile {potential TMI warning}, I'm breastfeeding, and all of a sudden my milk supply increased dramatically. It had seemed low for a while- probably due to the stress of moving three times since Silas was born- so, this was good! A positive change! 

Until the mood swings started...

I'm very easy going and I generally handle things in a mellow fashion. And most of our days here {despite being exhausting and overwhelming}, were good. So, to suddenly and unexpectedly have bouts of anxiety where I felt like I was losing my mind was very unnerving. I started to fixate on things that normally wouldn't bother me. My thoughts circled around and around, I got short tempered, even bitterness started to creep in. The logical part of my brain knew this wasn't normal or necessary but no amount of telling myself to 'just stop' seemed to help. All the while, I didn't want to complain to my husband because he had enough to worry about. Likewise, I didn't want to complain to my family because why burden them with something that couldn't be helped? Not to mention that it can be very hard to relate to military life if you haven't experienced it personally. 

So, I wanted to escape. I wanted to get into my car and drive back to New York, back to what was familiar. Back to the Army community that I missed, so that maybe I wouldn't feel like I was the only one struggling to regain my ground and the only one whose life was on hold. I found myself wanting to run, all the while knowing there was nowhere to go. Another move was the last thing the boys and I needed.

Then- thank goodness!- I figured out what was going on, that these bouts of anxiety were probably hormonal. Which is why they started immediately after noticing a change regarding my breastfeeding. I've never struggled with a hormonal imbalance, but now I understand why it can be so hard for people who do. Especially women with postpartum depression. Dealing with stress, sleeplessness, and hormones was enough to turn me into a crazy lady! If you've been through similar struggles- military wife or not- my heart goes out to you. There's no such thing as just snapping out of it. All I could do in the midst of those little anxiety attacks was pray, fix my eyes on Jesus, repeat Scripture verses, and just continually hand myself over to Him any way that I could. It wasn't pretty, but He got me through it and I think the worst is behind me.

But just in case it isn't, this is my prayer: "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer." {Psalm 19:14} This is what I repeated to myself in the midst of those rough bouts {plus this excerpt posted here}, and this is what I'll come back to. God continues to be ever so patient and gracious toward me. He truly is my strength and my Redeemer. At the end of the day, I have to be thankful for the chaos and the struggle. Because- as always- when I come to the end of myself and see that there's nowhere else to go, I run back to Him.

DEPLOYMENT | COUNTING THE TIME

It's funny how many ways I find myself counting the time now that I'm trying to pass nine months of it. Yesterday we had beautiful, mild weather. T-shirt weather. So the boys and I went outside and swung on the porch swing, ran in circles, walked through the harvested corn fields, made a pile of sticks, and begged Asher to do the same silly dance over and over to see Silas laugh and squeal in delight at him. As great as it was to do all of that without being bitten by cold air, I wanted it to hurry up and be winter. Because winter means that we're one season closer to being with Thane again..."But, beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." {2 Peter 3:8}

WAITING

This is a photo from our reunion after the last deployment- no doubt, one of THE ABSOLUTE BEST days of my life. We're exactly one month into the current deployment. Time is passing somewhat slowly, but praise God that it's passing. This excerpt from a recent devotion on She Reads Truth couldn't describe my feelings any better right now... Jesus knows exactly what I need to hear, and when I need to hear it.

~

I’m waiting.

It’s easy to say, “It’s in the Lord’s hands!” and “Or he’ll come home in His perfect timing.” Speaking these truths confidently makes the waiting a little easier, but waiting patiently and being an obedient servant? That’s a bit more difficult.

Because when we are forced to wait is when our flesh likes to take over.

 
As pressure builds, we turn on those we care about most, grumbling against one another. We look at others and judge out of our own aching, empty parts. We forget that our own Judge is standing at the door, with His hand on the handle.

We get exasperated in our impatience, swearing, negotiating with the Lord, carelessly throwing around thoughtless phrases like “Oh dear Lord, if I have to wait another day!” or “For heaven’s sakes, this shouldn’t be so hard.” We’re wrong in this. The waiting isn’t just the hardest part, it’s the growing part. And the Gardener can’t be rushed in this season. He won’t be rushed in this season.

We should think of the waiting as our labor pains. The contractions are getting stronger, closer together, more and more painful, the longer the process continues.

While we are waiting, we are changing–He’s changing us in the waiting. He’s rounding out our sharp, controlling edges, gifting us an appreciation for the small milestones, teaching us to better disciple those already in our lives. He’s tenderly waiting for His land to yield its valuable crop.

And in the end, as He always is, He will be compassionate and merciful. Then, together, we will celebrate the harvest.

7 Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. 8 You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.9 Do not grumble against one another, brethren, lest you be condemned. Behold, the Judge is standing at the door! 10 My brethren, take the prophets, who spoke in the name of the Lord, as an example of suffering and patience. 11 Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord—that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful. {James 5:7-11}

~

Praise God for His constant provision in my life. Even when His provision is not the husband that I miss, but the promise that He has a plan. 

And his plan is always worth the wait.

Abide | Psalm 65:11 | Harvest

Ever read a verse that resonates so perfectly that Jesus might as well be whispering it into your ear? That's how I felt about Psalm 65:11. "You crown the year with Your goodness, And Your paths drip with abundance." This verse was an instant infusion of peace when I happened across it a few weeks before Thane left for Afghanistan. It couldn't have been more timely in the midst of the angst that plagued those last days. And God continues to send me quiet reminders that even though we're separated from Thane, we're not separated from Him. And no matter what the circumstances, He is good.

Speaking of which, life on the farm has literally dripped with goodness. It's been a little shy of three weeks since we said our goodbyes in New York and drove to Virginia. We wake up to a quiet, peaceful landscape with tall corn as far as we can see. We're still settling in and working on regaining a rhythm, so most days tend to feel a bit overwhelming. But there's plenty of time for exploring the farm and spending evenings with grandparents {all four are here!}. Talk about a priceless 'commodity'. If it weren't for the gaping hole of Thane's absence, I'd be tempted to call this Heaven on earth.

Speaking of corn and commodities, today is harvest day! In a very short time, the acres and acres of corn covered land will be bare and open. So Asher and I spent a little extra time outside yesterday evening {while Silas napped} to enjoy the scenery before it all comes down. Digging in the dirt is his new favorite thing to do, so he stayed happily occupied with that while I snapped a few photos of the high stalks. 

DEPLOYMENT | OUR GOODBYE

Thane left for Afghanistan on Friday. We've waited for this day to come since last February. But no amount of time seems good enough to feel prepared to say goodbye for such a long time- only nine months, as opposed to the twelve months he was gone the first time- but a long time nonetheless. We've been so blessed to have almost exactly four years together since the last time he deployed. Yet that's not much comfort in those last days/hours/moments before you have to walk away from each other. Especially now that there are two little boys...

I was jealous of how blissfully unaware of weight of the moment they were! They slept quietly the whole time Thane drew his weapon and made his last minute preparations. He tried to wake Asher up, but to no avail. So a kiss on the cheek was his goodbye to him.

And then, finally, that moment I dreaded- and yet welcomed- came. At some point the turmoil of it all is unbearable and you just want it to be over, to "rip the band-aid  off" and get on with it. We were the only two in the parking lot. We hugged, kissed, said goodbye, and away he walked...

I love you so much Thane, and I'm so proud to be your wife!

Cast your burden on the LORD, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. {Psalm 55:22}